Random Thoughts

When this happened to me, I could’ve been like….well what the f***?  Why me?  Why did this happen and why did I survive?   This is bullshit.  Wait, I did think that.  A LOT.  A lot a lot a lot.  A lot.  I think most people in my situation would’ve checked out.  But I didn’t and I have no idea why.  But now……see I’ve become pretty spiritual recently.  This does not mean religious.  BIG difference.  Spiritual ≠ religious.  Now that I’m 3 years out, have made a pretty good recovery and kind of have a normal life again, I kind of think of it differently.  Now I think, well what was the universe trying to tell me by having this happen?  Obviously something.   If I can change my thinking about this, believe me so can you because when this happened and for the first couple of years afterward, I wanted to be DEAD.  Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.  Now I don’t want that.

Another random thought…..when I got sick I was living with an a-hole that went on this golf trip with his buddies every summer.  The summer after my stroke I heard him say on the phone, without him trying to shield me from hearing it he said, “I can’t wait for this trip, I need a f’ing break.”   What a jackass.  I never got a break from this even for a second.  The only sort of break I got was when I was asleep and sometimes not even then.  Be careful what you say around us.

Random thought #3…..The internet is a magical place.  The internet is where I get all my Grumpy Cat pictures, where I check my e-mail, where Facebook lives.  The internet is where I found my meditation practice.  I found it, ME.  I found it through MY research and now I’m telling other people about it, anyone see a problem with that??????  And……the internet is where I started a blog and met all of you people.  So I’d like to say in the style of Jimmy Fallon’s thank you notes…..Thank you, world wide web, for existing and allowing me to make all these friends.

dont care'aughingopposung



Categories: Brain stuff, Health, Recovery, Rehab, Stroke stuff

Tags: , ,

14 replies

  1. Ken has been going through the “I want to die” phase periodically but made a “break through” recently.
    A couple weekends ago he woke me up at 3am to tell me that he just had an epiphany… yup, that is what he said. He told me, “Life told me to slow down because I was moving too fast.” and “This is better than NOT being here.” We stayed up for at least another hour talking and I even printed it up and hung it on his “inspiration” wall.

    His family is very insensitive about what they say around him. His brother was “woe is me” the other day, and “I just want to die…” Now keep in mind, there is NOTHING wrong with his brother except normal “problems”. After he left Ken said, “really??? He has “problems”?? He should be me for a day and then we will talk about problems”.

    • You have to just really limit your time with people like that. And when you’re forced to hang out with them just don’t let anything they say affect you because they’re stupid and know nothing.
      By the way, for Ken to say something like that at not even 6 months out is pretty incredible. 🙂

      • He has started saying that there are only two things that matter right now, him and me. He is disgusted with his family and tells them frequently. Not that they care to listen to what he is saying. But he knows that he has to concentrate on his health, well being and happiness FIRST. I am very proud of him for that. ❤

  2. Amy, those thoughts – yep. The only difference I see is that there’s no way on Earth I think there was a purpose, which implies something/someone deemed I could use this lesson; I AM going to use it – to try to help people – but I don’t think there’s a reason behind every heart-break, a lesson to be learned.

    Also, I think caregivers lives are just as blown up by the stroke as the survivors’. After the stroke, Tom’s expectations for the future took a hit big-time; he has retained a few of them, but he’s got to do them alone or with someone else. There’s no way I’d be able to travel Lewis and Clark’s trek to the Pacific, but he can find someone else who’s willing. For example. I hate to be the cause of his disappointment, but that’s the way it is.

    • Yeah caregivers lives are most definitely blown up too but no, not just as much as ours. Not even close. That guy gave me no care. Behind closed doors anyway.

    • I agree, Barb. I refuse to believe that God did this to Zack. I don’t know why he didn’t prevent it from happening, but I sure as heck can’t chock it up to a lesson. What a cruel lesson and a sick God to do that. But, I am very glad that you, Amy, have chosen to use this for good and not as an excuse to be hateful and spiteful. Not that those emotions are completely irrelevant. I have learned that when your life blows up and your entire course has been changed in an instant….almost anything goes. I am trying really hard not to get stuck in those dark places, though. It’s not easy. You guys help a lot.

      • Brooke, I appreciate your attitude that anything goes, because I haven’t given myself permission for that. I have been FEELING, but have been keeping my expression of that tightly reigned in. I will myself to control the attitude I present. I would love to be free.

  3. You are at least coherent enough to put those random thoughts into a sensible whole.

    • Neurologists can’t seem to do that.

      • But they spent years in medical school supposedly learning stuff. But not how to actually think.

        • Yep a long long time in school and it’s offensive that I claim to know some things on my blog. A spouse of a doctor had the gumption to say that to me. And this spouse has told me multiple times that I saved their life through my blog. Nice way to pay me back for saving their life right?

          • no one but us strokies understands that doctors know nothing about actually helping us.

          • I was also told that I knew nothing about grieving a brain injury and I was not one of you guys. I know a crap load of a lot about grieving a brain injury. I don’t have one, no, but the person I love most in the world does and I have spent the last year wondering “why him” and wishing that it had been me, thinking of how he would be able to take care of things so much better than I can. I, for one, am thankful that you know some things and that you are sharing them. This place has been one of the most therapeutic to me in the last year. Keep claimin’, sister.

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