I have spent the vast majority of my life pretending to be happy when I so, so wasn’t.  Then I had a stroke when I was 30.  How much can one person take, seriously?  I have referred to the stroke as an interruption in my life and Lori once asked me if it was a good interruption or a bad interruption.  That’s a thinker.  I have come to the conclusion that it’s been both good and bad.

Good because……

1)  I needed something big to interrupt the miserable existence I was living before the stroke.  If not for the interruption, I would’ve spent the rest of my life sleepwalking through shit and never knowing that life could actually be a good and happy thing as it is now.

Bad because….

1)  I could’ve made the changes I have made with something WAY the F less drastic and severe.  I could have made these changes without something that has the possibility of causing lifelong physical disabilities.  Notice I said ‘possibility’ not ‘probability.’

So it’s 50/50. Both good and bad. More good has COME of this horrible event, but that’s all my doing. The event itself – bad. Real bad.
So now no more pretending ever, even for another second. I spent a long time living a lie and I NEVER will again. If you know me, you know that I only deal with reality and things that make me happy. I don’t deal with falsehoods or things that cause me to be stressed out, I just don’t deal with it. I’ve been through one of the worst things a human being can go through and it started for me at the age of 30. So I’m going to spend the rest of my life actually living and being happy.

Categories: Brain stuff, Health, Recovery, Stroke stuff

Tags: , ,

21 replies

  1. Go, Amy! The stroke was not 50/50 good to bad for me. More like 20/80; not much was wrong w my life EXCEPT for pretending I wanted to manage a rinky-dink newspaper, plus pretend that an hour commute wasn’t so bad. The stroke corrected all that. The 80 is obvious.

  2. I was good at sleepwalking, so good I pretended to myself that life was good. But you’re right, i could have made the needed changes without screwing up my physical abilities. But this is now and I’m going to go screaming through life. Fuck those disabilities.

  3. You are young and have a lot of happy life left!

  4. I wish I could say that my life is better now after my stroke, but it so totally sucks that I think about suicide every day. The only thing stopping me is the thought that my suicide would irreparably damage my daughter. I spent 50+ years working very hard to make a life that was good and it was gone in an instant. I lived to walk and make things and now that’s gone. I can walk and make things (sort of) but my limitations are so frustrating that I can’t do neither with any joy anymore. I am glad for those of you who can see an upside to your experience but for me it has been all down. I would do any number of horrible evil things just to have my old body back.

  5. I had as nearly perfect a life as I could before the stroke. As for the commute, many days I worked remotely, and in the winter (bad weather), we rented an apartment much closer to work for both of us.

    The biggest flaw was that I was a writer at heart, but not in vocation. That got fixed.

    Julia, you have my sympathy; any chance you can find something different to do to feel productive? Some long-lost dream?

  6. I never had a ecstatically happy life before my stroke, but a comfortable routine in spite of the chaos.Calamity when it strikes can be a real eye opener. My stroke just made my life harder in some ways but it’s never routine anymore.

  7. That’s probably the truth for all of us: the stroke made our lives harder in some ways, But it’s never routine. and, yes, Amy, there must have been some kinder, gentler way for us to learn what we’ve learned or to adjust what the stroke has changed for the better.

  8. Not only did my interruption include the stroke but losing my job and getting divorced. It seems to take a sledgehammer to get my attention. Its why no one will stop me in my quest to take over the stroke world. I’m only a little bit arrogant.

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