Subject Matter

I always say that I have 3 friends.  I thought that I had a lot more friends, but when shit hit the fan, turns out that I did not.  I say this because 3 people, 3 friends of mine really, really stood out from the crowd and chaos when I got sick.  These 3 people were only concerned about ME.  Pretty much everyone else that played a significant role in my life let me know how much MY illness had affected THEM.  Can you believe people said that crap to me at that time?  I mean stuff like that was said to me just a few months after my entire existence was shattered.  Oh well, live and learn.   Remember what empathy is????????????????  Anyway, these 3 friends never even came close to saying anything like that to me.  They just let me know how much they loved me and let me know that they would be there for me in a heartbeat, as I will for them for the rest of my life.  They know who they are, I love you guys.  🙂

I have way more than 3 friends now, mostly due to the tribe.

When someone gets sick like this, it’s not about you at all.  You want to help?  Make it about the SICK person, not you.  Not you AT ALL.  Don’t let the person that is suffering know how bad you feel and that you’ve been so upset and affected by this.  BELIEVE ME, THEY KNOW.  If you can’t handle that, then stop being a caregiver but don’t add to the guilt that the sick person already feels.  There will come a time when you can have conversations of that subject matter with that person but for the love of God, not within the first year or two.

Categories: Brain stuff, Health, Recovery, Stroke stuff

Tags: , ,

21 replies

  1. I have a big tendency….ok, I always say I’m fu**ed up now. (I’m very insecure, now.) So I said it to my friend and he said “Sara, I have much fun with u as before the stroke, you are the same as before. You really are.” That was good to hear. That will stay with me.

    • I always say that too, it makes people laugh and it makes them feel at ease around me when I can laugh about it myself.
      I’m a riot to be around now, much more fun than I was pre-stroke. I think anyway. I can have you belly laughing within minutes. To the people that didn’t stick around long enough or care enough to find that out – TO HELL WITH ‘EM! THEIR LOSS.

  2. Once again, I posted something here that doesn’t appear. It wasn’t particularly valuable – just about my disappointment in one subset of friends, and that I have realized that it says more about them than about me.

  3. Much of my family was in this category. “Its not about YOU!!!” I insisted. They kept making it all about them and refused to give me what I was asking, begging for. I had to distance myself from most of them for the first two years….I just couldn’t take it. Now that I’m better, I can tolerate them better and I actually feel sorry for them. I had a brain injury while they’re just lost without any explanation..It must really suck to be in their shoes. These relationships were changed forever… Amoung many other things in my life, and that’s one of the benefits that came out of this whole mess.

  4. Regarding the stroke tribe, I miss Julia and the days of “sometimes a chicken has to die”. It has left a hole that is slow to close. That is the nature of a tribe, though, I suppose. I’m feeling emotional I imagine because I’m listening to The Rocks Cry Out by Jim Sims on Soul Restoration on Pandora.

    • It’s funny that you say that as I am about to eat chicken for dinner. It’s a dead chicken. It was dead when I purchased it, I mean it had to die some time.

  5. Yep, I agree Amy. After a devastating event you find who your true friends are. One recently popped back into my life and I’m glad she did. Oh and she’s the good kind.

  6. I think though, you have to accept the odd transgression, especially where the person in question is the main caregiver, as it’s only human to express your feelings sometimes.

  7. First I would like to say im sorry and im glad your alive, secondly reality is harsh but true. Continue to fight and stay strong

  8. OMG! You were living my life! I too could count on one hand how many people were there for me, just for me. It’s only been recently that close friends staged an intervention of sorts because my depression had gotten to the point that I could barely handle it any more.

    To this day I still hear certain people place blame on me for things that were never in my control in the first place. Finally realizing that I could’ve been so much further along in my recovery if I would’ve been stronger sooner has been a real eye-opener for me.

    If it’s OK with you, I’d like to put your blog on mine as one of my favorite links. You’ve gone through so many of the same issues that I have; I wish I would’ve found you sooner.


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