I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster this month. It happens a lot. But this month it was really bad. It’s my stroke anniversary month which makes me go positively crazy, I moved, I got a NASTY cold, I thought my cat ran away for a little while, it was just a horrible month with a lot of stress. So I cried a lot. I thought my boyfriend would think that I was absolutely nuts, damaged goods, and second guess our entire relationship. He did just the opposite. I was a mess one day and crying, and I said to him “I’m sorry, I’m just feeling really sorry for myself.” He replied “I hate it when people say that, these are legitimate feelings that you’re having and you need to talk about them.” Ummm. My God, what a wonderful reply. My entire life, no one has ever said anything like that to me. Until recently, the people in my life would tell me how to feel and wouldn’t let me express how I was really feeling. I was always told “you should do this, you should do that, at least this, at least that, get over it, let it go, it’s in the past.” How dare I have feelings about something.
I’ve learned that “feeling sorry for yourself” and allowing yourself to complain and feel like crap is incredibly necessary. Especially for a highly sensitive person like myself. It’s cathartic and good for your mental health and you’ll feel much better after you release those emotions. If you try to deny them or tell someone else that they shouldn’t feel the way that they feel, it’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass big time.
My therapist told me today that NPR is doing a fascinating series of shows this week about the cerebellum. It obviously caught my attention. Here it is. I kinda always thought that the cerebellum only affected physical stuff, boy was I wrong. Physically, the cerebellum ‘fine tunes’ movements. Like the writing thing that I cannot do, my brain can’t control that fine motor movement enough to let me do that. Bringing a fork or drink to my mouth with my right hand, can’t do it. I don’t have the fine tuning of that movement anymore.
So since the cerebellum controls fine motor movements, it makes perfect sense that the cerebellum would also have a role in fine tuning emotions. This I also lost. Sometimes, I just can’t control my emotions or the way that I act. I can’t put on the brakes to my emotions that I used to be able to do and that is socially acceptable. I can fly off the handle at a moment’s notice, if the wrong thing is said to me. And I hate it. I would voluntarily amputate my “good” left arm if it meant that I never had to deal with these emotions anymore. Unfortunately, until Pat came into my life, nobody except one friend of mine tried to understand this about me and very often things were said to me to make my anger much worse. This has led me to cutting off communication with certain people because I just can’t keep banging my head against the wall trying to explain this and getting nowhere. Talk about stress. Meditation helps this greatly. C’mon neurologists, seriously. There is so much that neurologists should be recommending to patients that have loads and loads of research, Dean will tell you all about it. But my big thing is meditation. So, please docs, please pay attention to this research, please.