All better

I’m pretty sure that the general consensus when someone sees me and then learns what happened to me is that I’m over it and don’t need any help anymore.  I look great, so what could I be dealing with now?  I am still dealing with so much crap on a daily basis that it’s hard for me to get through each day let alone think about the future. I can’t write – at all, I can’t eat or drink with my right hand, and I’m right handed. I have to ask someone to cut my f’ing food.  I can’t run. My voice sucks and sometimes people still think I’m less intelligent because of it. And because of the speech disorder it’s difficult for me to speak up and defend myself so people think I’m even more brain-damaged and stupid. I can only wear certain shoes because I walk weird, no heels ever again. My right arm starts shaking at really inappropriate times. I have horrible balance and I have A LOT of trouble on stairs. I get debilitating migraines once a month that last for 3 days. Don’t get me started on the emotional stuff that this has caused. Ok let’s start to talk about that. I’m incredibly reactionary when someone is insensitive to me. I now have Post-traumatic stress Disorder.  So I fly off the handle at little things. I spend days at a time in tears and not being able to function. Sounds like fun huh?  Until I met Pat I really wanted to be dead. He makes me not want to be dead.

But I look so good and seem to be doing so well –  what could be wrong?????     



Categories: Brain stuff, Recovery, Stroke stuff

18 replies

  1. I am so with you today.
    I try so hard to act pulled together… but some days you just want to scream Enough! Give me a break already.

  2. Hang in there kiddo. I also look just fine, but shit I hate never being able to show any sign of weakness.

  3. I live in Pittsburgh. You live in Pittsburgh. We are, according to your words, very much alike. Call me for a meet-up? If you send me an email, I’ll send you my number. I have ideas, big ideas, how to get ourselves out of this funk.

  4. I am a stroke survivor, too. Luckily, I can walk and talk (at the same time!) But otherwise I’m in the same boat emotionally and a lot physically. Felling worthless often. What I try to do is focus on what I’ve got while I’m working to get more. And what do you know you have something positive in you life now, Pat! A lot of stroke survivors go the other way where they lose their partner after stroke! I’m not saying your issues aren’t valid, but try to change for your own benefit. You are what you think you are! May you think you are better! I could have commiserated with you on your post. But I want to go the other way! – Van

    • I did lose my partner, my choice, after the stroke because he was a lying, verbally abusive asshole. But for some reason, I found the best man on the planet.

      Honestly Van – I would have rather you commiserated. This isn’t a misery loves company thing, not at all. It’s about empathy. Empathy is one of the themes of this blog. Telling someone to be grateful for what they can do instead of being allowed to vent and complain about what they’ve lost is just plain wrong.

  5. Amy,
    I know your frustration. For years, I was “invisibly” handicapped. Now it’s visible since my strokes. People take it for granted that you are over it when your handicap is not in their face. It is easier to get overwhelmed at their stupidity or oversight. If only they knew the true story…which is why I blog.

    Take Joyce up on her offer.

  6. I totally feel you Amy. This seems to be a common feeling lately. Do you think it’s because it’s been 4 years since the event? That’s what I’ve been telling myself.

    I am so sick of reminding people that I had a stroke. Sometimes, I want to take my brain scan and tape it on my shirt so that people will see the big blank space in my brain that is not going to go away – ever. Hmm, maybe this could be a new t-shirt design.

    Go have some fun with Joyce! And let me know what those big ideas are for getting out of a funk…

  7. “All better”, yep! I’ve been “all better,looking good” since like 2 months after, which is the lame excuse all my family used for not helping or offering any help as we struggled (and continue to at times) dealing with my issues/recovery and raising 2 kids! Pretty sure I hit the jackpot with dysfunctional family. At least u can lose a bad partner/spouse. Lol… I try to find the humor in it…or else I’d just cry all the time.

  8. You are loved. So incredibly loved. Just remember that 🙂

  9. Thanks, this oddly lifted my spirits, it’s been almost three years since my stroke, and people always assume it’s over. Want to hike, want too ski,etc… just becausee I can eat and talk. I try hard to avoid doing both at the same time, or I end up choking or biting my tongue.

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