Every single day of my life is a struggle both physically and emotionally. Every single f’ing day. And from conversations that I’ve had with stroke survivors that are years ahead of me in recovery, every single day of my life for the rest of my life is going to be a struggle. Maybe I felt like writing this because I’m having an exceptionally hard time right now emotionally, which was all triggered by a woman who very selfishly called me wanting to talk to me about one of the most painful and devastating experiences in my life. But the fact that I’m having a hard time right now certainly doesn’t change the fact that just being awake is hard.
And no one understands this, well except other stroke survivors. I look really good, I got back to doing a very technical, intricate job. A job that hopefully someday I will be able to make a major impact on and change some things. I seem to have totally overcome this to normals who don’t understand anything. I haven’t overcome anything, I’ve learned to live with it. I have no choice and never did have a choice. So I’ve learned to live with all the shit and try to use humor as a way to help me through this. If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you probably have caught onto the fact that I use self deprecating humor quite a lot. But I certainly don’t want to. I’d rather not have to joke about all the stuff that is in actuality absolutely devastating to me like the fact that I can’t write, I spill EVERYTHING, I can’t cut my own food, I can’t run, I have horrible balance, I get dizzy just watching certain things on TV, I get HORRIBLE migraines once a month. Etc, etc, etc. Be careful if you try to make fun of these things about me just because I make jokes about them. Be careful. 2 or 3 people have free reign to joke about these things with me but most people do not. I suggest not trying to use humor with a person with a disability – about their disabilities that is – unless you’ve been given the go ahead, because the things you joke about or say are probably extremely devastating to that person.
Well, that’s it for now. I hope you’re having a better summer than I am.