I miss the days when my blog was super active. It had become a real supportive place on the internet for other people who have had a stroke. NO ONE else will ever begin to understand what we went through. You can explain things until you’re blue in the face and in tears, but insensitive comments and actions will continue to be made around you – by people who you thought and hoped would be totally safe to be around. And you realize they’re not. So, sometimes strangers on the internet are the best people to connect with. That’s cool in a way but also makes me sad in a way. I happen to think that social media is responsible for the impending downfall of humanity so that’s a big reason that I’ve not blogged a lot the last couple of years. I didn’t want to provide a forum that brings up anger and narcissism in people. I have a ton of anger myself that I’m trying hard to get rid of and I didn’t want to keep spreading it around like I used to do. But, I know how much this place used to help people. I’ve received e-mails from strangers all over the world telling me how helpful this blog is. And I’ve gotten a bunch of new followers and comments in the last few months – so, I guess I’ll try to post a blog more often because I know it helps people and it helps me, too.
Anyone else have a problem with survivor guilt? It’s not really survivor guilt I guess but that’s the closest thing that I can compare it to. I can walk pretty well now, I can speak pretty well now. But I still can’t do SO much, there is still a ton of stuff that I can’t do and enjoy. And I can’t let myself enjoy the progress that I’ve made because I always think about how so many other people can’t do those things and I don’t know how to reconcile being messed up but also feeling ok with the things that I can do now. Plus, my dysfunctional family system keeps me depressed. People now just think that I got very sick 7 years ago and I’m doing so well now. I sure don’t feel like I’m doing very well.
Moving to Florida has not been the emotional panacea that I thought it would be and was hoping for so much. It still might be in time, me and my husband have added quite a bit of stress to our life in the last year when the whole point of this move was to de-stress. We sold a house, bought a house, and moved across the country. Within months of moving, we experienced a category 5 hurricane that all the news people down here were freaking the F out about, and in turn freaking us out. The last year of our life has been insane. Physically though, things are dramatically better. My muscles, joints, everything feels better and is functioning better. Hopefully the mental catches up with the physical.