A few months ago, I promised to start blogging again consistently and I haven’t so I want to apologize to anyone that might have been counting on that. I got a lot of heartwarming messages that made me cry having to do with how much this blog helps people feel connected to others going through this hell. Because absolutely NO ONE in real life will understand or come close to understanding anything unless they’ve had a stroke themselves. You can explain things until you’re blue in the face and you may think someone finally understands something – TRUST ME, THEY DON’T.
Having a stroke will either completely destroy or drastically alter your life as you know it. I know of zero exceptions to this rule. Your choices are to figure out how to continue to live in your messed up body with a messed up brain, or not. You will most likely go back and forth with your decisions for years to come.
The reason I’m doing a post right now is because a really cool (seeming) lady (I don’t know her) e-mailed me about a documentary she is making. She had a stroke at the age of 33 so she gets to go through life in a disabled body just like me. Hopefully, she’s had more luck with being around understanding, sensitive people than I have. She sent me a link to a 2-minute teaser of the documentary she is making and asked that I share. I think it’s awesome and am happy to share it.
She is “hoping to do something good with my shattered life. I’m trying to convey to people what my life is like with pain/disability/a shattered sense of identity.” Those are her words.
Watch this ↑↑↑
I miss the days when my blog was super active. It had become a real supportive place on the internet for other people who have had a stroke. NO ONE else will ever begin to understand what we went through. You can explain things until you’re blue in the face and in tears, but insensitive comments and actions will continue to be made around you – by people who you thought and hoped would be totally safe to be around. And you realize they’re not. So, sometimes strangers on the internet are the best people to connect with. That’s cool in a way but also makes me sad in a way. I happen to think that social media is responsible for the impending downfall of humanity so that’s a big reason that I’ve not blogged a lot the last couple of years. I didn’t want to provide a forum that brings up anger and narcissism in people. I have a ton of anger myself that I’m trying hard to get rid of and I didn’t want to keep spreading it around like I used to do. But, I know how much this place used to help people. I’ve received e-mails from strangers all over the world telling me how helpful this blog is. And I’ve gotten a bunch of new followers and comments in the last few months – so, I guess I’ll try to post a blog more often because I know it helps people and it helps me, too.
Anyone else have a problem with survivor guilt? It’s not really survivor guilt I guess but that’s the closest thing that I can compare it to. I can walk pretty well now, I can speak pretty well now. But I still can’t do SO much, there is still a ton of stuff that I can’t do and enjoy. And I can’t let myself enjoy the progress that I’ve made because I always think about how so many other people can’t do those things and I don’t know how to reconcile being messed up but also feeling ok with the things that I can do now. Plus, my dysfunctional family system keeps me depressed. People now just think that I got very sick 7 years ago and I’m doing so well now. I sure don’t feel like I’m doing very well.
Moving to Florida has not been the emotional panacea that I thought it would be and was hoping for so much. It still might be in time, me and my husband have added quite a bit of stress to our life in the last year when the whole point of this move was to de-stress. We sold a house, bought a house, and moved across the country. Within months of moving, we experienced a category 5 hurricane that all the news people down here were freaking the F out about, and in turn freaking us out. The last year of our life has been insane. Physically though, things are dramatically better. My muscles, joints, everything feels better and is functioning better. Hopefully the mental catches up with the physical.
I’m getting married next month to the most wonderful man who ever existed on the planet. He might not be real. He is an empath, he is the funniest human being ever, and he is the most brilliant man I have ever met. We’re not having a wedding, just going downtown and getting married because we want to be married. When you have a stroke, man do I know the emptiness, loneliness, intense fear, suicidal thoughts and feelings, people not understanding anything and not trying to understand, and hundreds of other bad feelings. But good things (can) happen after you get through Hell. I’m not saying they will, but they can.
So, I’m going to stop blogging for now, possibly forever. I’m going to go live my life as best as I can. And I need to try to get to a place of inner peace. The anger that I have is eating me up inside. It comes and goes, but when it comes it is incredibly intense. Barring my therapist who is unbelievably wonderful and also might not be real, Western Medicine has done little to nothing to help me with this. I believe the way out of this is meditation. At least an hour of it everyday. And eventually, hopefully, I will feel ok all the time. I will never delete the blog because I happen to think it’s chock full of a ton of great information all in one place. And if anyone ever has any questions, feel free to email me. I’m here to help.
So this is Dr. Amy signing off, for now…….
I was blown away by this article and wanted to share. (Credit to Barb, I read this because you liked it on Facebook)
The norm sure as hell ain’t always better, or even good. At all.
I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster this month. It happens a lot. But this month it was really bad. It’s my stroke anniversary month which makes me go positively crazy, I moved, I got a NASTY cold, I thought my cat ran away for a little while, it was just a horrible month with a lot of stress. So I cried a lot. I thought my boyfriend would think that I was absolutely nuts, damaged goods, and second guess our entire relationship. He did just the opposite. I was a mess one day and crying, and I said to him “I’m sorry, I’m just feeling really sorry for myself.” He replied “I hate it when people say that, these are legitimate feelings that you’re having and you need to talk about them.” Ummm. My God, what a wonderful reply. My entire life, no one has ever said anything like that to me. Until recently, the people in my life would tell me how to feel and wouldn’t let me express how I was really feeling. I was always told “you should do this, you should do that, at least this, at least that, get over it, let it go, it’s in the past.” How dare I have feelings about something.
I’ve learned that “feeling sorry for yourself” and allowing yourself to complain and feel like crap is incredibly necessary. Especially for a highly sensitive person like myself. It’s cathartic and good for your mental health and you’ll feel much better after you release those emotions. If you try to deny them or tell someone else that they shouldn’t feel the way that they feel, it’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass big time.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 55,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 20 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
Happy Boxing Day everyone! I heard on the radio the other day that 15% of all internet traffic is for cat videos and pictures. I have definitely contributed to this with my searching of Grumpy Cat memes. And, me and my boyfriend are strangely obsessed with my cat. But I had a dog first and let me tell you – there ain’t nothin’ in the world that can compare to the unconditional love of a dog. Maybe the unconditional love of a baby. I don’t know, I never had one of those. Cats may rule the internet (and anything else they choose to rule) but dogs are……dogs are______. I don’t know, fill in the blank. There are no words that I could use to express how much I love my dog. I’m pretty sure that I’d be dead without that animal.
I really can’t believe that I feel the need to say this stuff again but I do.
I am still getting backlash from a few people who I used to be friends with and am not anymore. I haven’t talked to these people in months and months but these people obviously can’t just move on with their lives and are apparently obsessed with what goes on on this blog of mine. A few days ago, I was threatened with lawsuits. Yes, you read that right. Lawsuits, plural. These people told me that if I don’t stop using their name they will file a lawsuit. Does this sound as ridiculous to you as it seemed to me? These are completely empty threats as I have NEVER, not once, used someone’s name that I had personal experience with in a negative way whatsoever. After a very mean comment was made on my blog by someone who used their FULL NAME, I got angry and retaliated by using that person’s name AFTER it was already on the blog, left by the person himself, and said some mean stuff – which has all since been deleted and you cannot find a trace of these peoples’ names anywhere on this blog. Barring this incident, never once has anyone that I had a personal experience with been named on here in a negative manner, NOT ONCE. Doing this to me and threatening me, a stroke victim, is evil.
I’ve only ever written about my experiences and my opinions. I’ve only ever told MY story which includes physical therapy stuff because…….well I am a physical therapist. I have a Doctorate in it. It’s my passion. If these people who threatened me find some legal loophole in which they tell me I have to stop, then I’ll have to stop. I certainly don’t have the money to fight some frivolous lawsuit, but they do. So….a few people might ruin it for a whole heck of a lot of other people. I’m sorry if this happens.
Some absolutely absurd things happened to me last night of which I won’t go into detail, but ermahgerd absurd! So this morning I need some laughs and thought you might too. I’ve learned that there’s a reason I love this kind of humor. Larry David was on The Tonight Show last week and all he does is bitch and complain about stuff and it was hilarious. He makes it so funny, I guess that’s why I love Grumpy Cat!
I was just attacked (by words) on my own blog on this post. If I’m helping you somehow and you’d like me to continue writing this blog, please leave a comment and say so. According to this comment that was made on my public blog for everyone to see, I’m extremely offensive. If that is the case, I want to stop. But I think I’m helpful and make people laugh. So, please tell me if you want me to continue.
The internet was created for the sole purpose of creating and sharing cat videos. That’s it. The why Al Gore invented the internet. It’s very strange that Al Gore has been mentioned on my blog 2 days in a row. Ummm, WTH? But some other people have figured out some useful things to do with the information superhighway, like e-mail and Facebook and stuff. You can also get some really good information on the internet, and some not so good information. I recently deleted my Facebook page because it was making me crazier than I already am. Seeing other peoples’ lives and obsessing about comments and ‘likes.’ Bah, I’m quite obviously not ready for that yet. But don’t let social media affect your feelings, it’s not real. I was starting to let it affect my feelings and that’s why I had to delete it. If you can handle it, just use it for staying in touch with people, I can’t handle that yet.
Tommy Lee Jones was also mentioned on my blog yesterday.
Happy Birthday Barb!!
Mine was a few days ago and I dreaded it. The last 3 birthdays I have absolutely dreaded. Last week was incredibly emotional and depressing for me. I thought it wouldn’t be, I thought it wouldn’t affect me like that because I have a lot of good things in my life now but it did. It kinda made me crazy. I hope this is the last one like that. I used to kinda sorta like that day of the year but things are very different now. Pat took me out to dinner Friday night to a Uzbeki beki stan stan restaurant. Can anyone tell me why I said that? It was delicious. Last night we went to an awesome French restaurant. Today we’re having Italian. After today, I’m never eating again.
I was watching this show last night and some lady had a goal she wanted to accomplish by the time she is 45 years old. I forget what the goal was. By the time I’m 45 I just want to be able to like, write my name in less than 10 minutes.